Thursday, August 27, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
A phone call in Aurora, Illinois
All I can think about is Christmas
Not the gifts
not the joy
not the elves
or girls or boys,
but the air...
that quiet air
that cold, wonderful rush,
but it's not fair
thinking about the air
that's blowing cool somewhere
somewhere else.
This is not a singular thought.
It's not about a holiday,
though, it's not about not.
It's more, a thought about where it was
the night before walking to my plane,
where I was before I landed
after fighting and taking blame.
It's about sitting in my car
being too worried to call
taking slower steps over the ice,
but not for fear of a slip or fall.
Slower because I didn't want to face it.
I didn't want to face it.
No, not at all.
But, I got on my plane
I took my flight
and for once I was far and on my own.
I was barely there
before I recognized
that I felt more than distance away from home.
Not the gifts
not the joy
not the elves
or girls or boys,
but the air...
that quiet air
that cold, wonderful rush,
but it's not fair
thinking about the air
that's blowing cool somewhere
somewhere else.
This is not a singular thought.
It's not about a holiday,
though, it's not about not.
It's more, a thought about where it was
the night before walking to my plane,
where I was before I landed
after fighting and taking blame.
It's about sitting in my car
being too worried to call
taking slower steps over the ice,
but not for fear of a slip or fall.
Slower because I didn't want to face it.
I didn't want to face it.
No, not at all.
But, I got on my plane
I took my flight
and for once I was far and on my own.
I was barely there
before I recognized
that I felt more than distance away from home.
It's like riding a bike. No, it's actually not a damn thing like that.
I have not blogged, let alone made any manner of romantic contact with a computer in quite some time. I know this is a huge disappointment for you. I've let you down, and what's worse, is that I've left with you alone with only Warren and Todd to fancy your intellect with wit and whimsy. God, I am so sorry. Warren must be flat ass broke in the ideas department, you know, considering he transcribed a text message exchange, and we all know that since Todd was part of that exchange, Todd now sees it fit that he needn't post a blog of his own, as this one should last him a good month or so. :) :P :O
The reason I have not blogged or been romantic with my computer is I AIN'T GOT NO JOB and AIN'T HAVING NO JOB somehow has interfered with the ability to pay my whore of a computer's pimp, aka, The Cable Company. This is such an inconvenience. Three weeks I've been without my love, my Internet, and that makes for about three weeks of very complicated, frustrating and lonely masturbating. I've had to invent new ways of exciting my brain. I'm a very unimaginative person when it comes to sex, well, self sex. It's a desperate act; a last resort if you will, and the man who finds himself stumbling down the path sans a lady on his arm, finds himself with his hand on his penis late at night, suffering himself and really just wanting to get it over with. I'm sure there are those who probably sit around and try to prolong it, enjoy it, make it mean something, but if you're taking it that far, then more than likely you've got bigger issues to beat out other than the fact it's been six months since you've gotten laid. I'm a bitter man. A bitter, jobless, sexless man.
Why am I making this blog about this? I am so sorry. Moving on.
I'm on a friend's computer, using up all of their Internet. You can do that, use up all of some one's Internet. That shit runs out. (something is telling me that Warren has used this line or something similar to it in the past. Oh well, I haven't yet, so I'm going with it.)
It's like 2:40 am, I've done put in about five resumes tonight and I'm tired. There's a soft bed next door and I'm heading for it.
Knight.
(during the spell check, 'Knight' was recommended to me to replace my cute little 'G'night'. I'm going with it.)
The reason I have not blogged or been romantic with my computer is I AIN'T GOT NO JOB and AIN'T HAVING NO JOB somehow has interfered with the ability to pay my whore of a computer's pimp, aka, The Cable Company. This is such an inconvenience. Three weeks I've been without my love, my Internet, and that makes for about three weeks of very complicated, frustrating and lonely masturbating. I've had to invent new ways of exciting my brain. I'm a very unimaginative person when it comes to sex, well, self sex. It's a desperate act; a last resort if you will, and the man who finds himself stumbling down the path sans a lady on his arm, finds himself with his hand on his penis late at night, suffering himself and really just wanting to get it over with. I'm sure there are those who probably sit around and try to prolong it, enjoy it, make it mean something, but if you're taking it that far, then more than likely you've got bigger issues to beat out other than the fact it's been six months since you've gotten laid. I'm a bitter man. A bitter, jobless, sexless man.
Why am I making this blog about this? I am so sorry. Moving on.
I'm on a friend's computer, using up all of their Internet. You can do that, use up all of some one's Internet. That shit runs out. (something is telling me that Warren has used this line or something similar to it in the past. Oh well, I haven't yet, so I'm going with it.)
It's like 2:40 am, I've done put in about five resumes tonight and I'm tired. There's a soft bed next door and I'm heading for it.
Knight.
(during the spell check, 'Knight' was recommended to me to replace my cute little 'G'night'. I'm going with it.)
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
This is what Todd and I talk about
In an attempt to get my blogging on this site up and going again, I've transcribed an instant message conversation between Todd and me. Be prepared not to enjoy this if you're not Todd or me.
Todd: I saw an interview with Ben Garant where he said that Reno 911 stays under budget, so they never get messed with.
Warren: Probably the best plan. Reno 911, that seems like it's been on forever.
Todd: Since about 2004. That seems like forever in this Super Size me VHS 10 speed bicycle world we live in.
Warren: It does, but really, in terms of television season runs, 5 is a lot. Definitely DECENT.
Todd: But it's nice to see you so excited about the show.
Warren: What? Michael & Michael Have Issues?
Todd: ye[. I meant YE{.
Warren: Ye, bracket? What the fuck, Todd? No, i was really disappointed with how Stella ended. I didn't even realize it was replaced with Mind of Mencia, of all things. I mean, what the FUCK, America? Get your shit together.
Todd: I don't have cable, but I stopped following Reno 911 about midway through the third season. It wasn't bad, it just wasn't necessary to have on.
Warren: I'm with you. I actually rented seasons 1 and 2. They were great. Loved them, and of course i catch a periodic episode on TV, but that's it. I thought maybe I'd feel like catching more now that La Truglio is on, but i haven't felt that desire. Lo Truglio, sorry.
Todd: He was going to be so pissed that you misspelled his name in this IM.
Warren: He's hacked in reading everything, thanks to Barack Obama's ability to hack into facebook IMs. Lo Truglio actually has a pretty entertaining web page, if you're ever so inclined.
Todd: Dont worry. He was too busy throwing out the first pitch at the All-Star Game to monitor us.
Warren: Joe Lo Truglio threw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game? Good for him.
Todd: I would put him in the bottom half of State members, along with Jann and Holoubek. Allison too. And now I am talking about the Truglio.
Warren: Truglio after all of them? Let's rank them here and now. You first.
Todd: It's not ranked. Just divided.
Warren: Fine, divide.
Todd: I'll go: Showalter as my favorite. Also Black, Lennon, Kenney, Marino, Garant. That's the great cast. The rest is fine, but not essential.
Warren: I'd put Marino, Garant and Lo Truglio on par, understanding that Joe never had a "dip my balls in it" moment.
Todd: Marino also wrote more of the big sketches, like Hormones. He is crucial to the list. He is Crucial Taunt.
Warren: Well if you're talking about behind the scenes and writing shit, how do you leave out Wain? Certainly he was more of a puppet master than Marino.
Todd: I am looking at an overall aspect. Wain was mostly behind the camera. He doesn't have any classic sketches that come to mind.
Warren: True. The thing about Joe is that he just has this way about him that I find funny. His face just looks funny. It doesn't take much for me to laugh at something Joe Lo Truglio does. And this is not to say that he comes close to the likes of Black, Showalter, Lennon, etc.
Todd: I'd be happy to have dinner with any one of them.
Warren: Even Holoubek?
Todd: Some of Lennon's longer skits are a bit tiresome.
Warren: He's still solid. You don't go to sketch comedy war without Lennon.
Todd: I remember as a teenager, Todd Holoubek fascinated me. He was never a big character, and he never did too much that made me laugh, but the State people probably knew something I didn't, and I wanted to know what it was.
Warren: You get the sense that he just happened to be on the elevator on the ground floor.
Todd: I never thought that.
Warren: YOU DID THINK THAT.
Todd: I was more thinking he was one of those friends that you know is hilarious, but nobody else ever seems to see it.
Warren: Maybe. MAYBE. Or maybe they all just hated Todd Holoubek.
Todd: I also am naturally drawn to people named Todd. It's sad, but I don't mind.
Warren: So you're gay and narcissistic?
Todd: Mostly just gay. Jizz in my pants? Hysterical.
Warren: Ugh. Please. Don't even GO there, Todd.
Todd: You're an idiot and a dick snob for not liking him.
Warren: It's not that I'm a snob. I honestly do not find it funny. Andy Samburg? Yes, funny. A great cast member for SNL. Lonely Island. FUUUUUUUUUUCK me. Dick in a Box? Top shelf. Everything else? TERRIBLE. I will add that I'm naturally adverse to musical comedy.
Todd: You're naturally adverse to women's vaginas.
Warren: You're naturally adverse to common sense.
***
Todd: I saw an interview with Ben Garant where he said that Reno 911 stays under budget, so they never get messed with.
Warren: Probably the best plan. Reno 911, that seems like it's been on forever.
Todd: Since about 2004. That seems like forever in this Super Size me VHS 10 speed bicycle world we live in.
Warren: It does, but really, in terms of television season runs, 5 is a lot. Definitely DECENT.
Todd: But it's nice to see you so excited about the show.
Warren: What? Michael & Michael Have Issues?
Todd: ye[. I meant YE{.
Warren: Ye, bracket? What the fuck, Todd? No, i was really disappointed with how Stella ended. I didn't even realize it was replaced with Mind of Mencia, of all things. I mean, what the FUCK, America? Get your shit together.
Todd: I don't have cable, but I stopped following Reno 911 about midway through the third season. It wasn't bad, it just wasn't necessary to have on.
Warren: I'm with you. I actually rented seasons 1 and 2. They were great. Loved them, and of course i catch a periodic episode on TV, but that's it. I thought maybe I'd feel like catching more now that La Truglio is on, but i haven't felt that desire. Lo Truglio, sorry.
Todd: He was going to be so pissed that you misspelled his name in this IM.
Warren: He's hacked in reading everything, thanks to Barack Obama's ability to hack into facebook IMs. Lo Truglio actually has a pretty entertaining web page, if you're ever so inclined.
Todd: Dont worry. He was too busy throwing out the first pitch at the All-Star Game to monitor us.
Warren: Joe Lo Truglio threw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game? Good for him.
Todd: I would put him in the bottom half of State members, along with Jann and Holoubek. Allison too. And now I am talking about the Truglio.
Warren: Truglio after all of them? Let's rank them here and now. You first.
Todd: It's not ranked. Just divided.
Warren: Fine, divide.
Todd: I'll go: Showalter as my favorite. Also Black, Lennon, Kenney, Marino, Garant. That's the great cast. The rest is fine, but not essential.
Warren: I'd put Marino, Garant and Lo Truglio on par, understanding that Joe never had a "dip my balls in it" moment.
Todd: Marino also wrote more of the big sketches, like Hormones. He is crucial to the list. He is Crucial Taunt.
Warren: Well if you're talking about behind the scenes and writing shit, how do you leave out Wain? Certainly he was more of a puppet master than Marino.
Todd: I am looking at an overall aspect. Wain was mostly behind the camera. He doesn't have any classic sketches that come to mind.
Warren: True. The thing about Joe is that he just has this way about him that I find funny. His face just looks funny. It doesn't take much for me to laugh at something Joe Lo Truglio does. And this is not to say that he comes close to the likes of Black, Showalter, Lennon, etc.
Todd: I'd be happy to have dinner with any one of them.
Warren: Even Holoubek?
Todd: Some of Lennon's longer skits are a bit tiresome.
Warren: He's still solid. You don't go to sketch comedy war without Lennon.
Todd: I remember as a teenager, Todd Holoubek fascinated me. He was never a big character, and he never did too much that made me laugh, but the State people probably knew something I didn't, and I wanted to know what it was.
Warren: You get the sense that he just happened to be on the elevator on the ground floor.
Todd: I never thought that.
Warren: YOU DID THINK THAT.
Todd: I was more thinking he was one of those friends that you know is hilarious, but nobody else ever seems to see it.
Warren: Maybe. MAYBE. Or maybe they all just hated Todd Holoubek.
Todd: I also am naturally drawn to people named Todd. It's sad, but I don't mind.
Warren: So you're gay and narcissistic?
Todd: Mostly just gay. Jizz in my pants? Hysterical.
Warren: Ugh. Please. Don't even GO there, Todd.
Todd: You're an idiot and a dick snob for not liking him.
Warren: It's not that I'm a snob. I honestly do not find it funny. Andy Samburg? Yes, funny. A great cast member for SNL. Lonely Island. FUUUUUUUUUUCK me. Dick in a Box? Top shelf. Everything else? TERRIBLE. I will add that I'm naturally adverse to musical comedy.
Todd: You're naturally adverse to women's vaginas.
Warren: You're naturally adverse to common sense.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Compensation is not a new American practice.
As part of my quest to be the longest working employee that UPS has ever seen, I must renew my DOT license every two years. Don't ask what DOT stands for, because you're reading this on a computer, and it's not likely that I would be able to hear you. Also, I have no idea what it stands for, and I don't care in the slightest. It's just another one of those boring things that work requires that no one should actually care about. Demonic Ocular Torture? I might be concerned with that one, but I'm not worried, as UPS removed any mentions of its dealings with Satan several years back.
The DOT exam is your basic physical. I pissed in a cup. And then they asked me for a urine sample. I swear, every time I know I have to give a urine sample, I drink a Hinckley and Schmidt water jug empty, yet am unable to perform sexually when called upon to do so. It's not like I felt this pressure on my bladder but had this fear of the nurse holding a glass to the door, in a strange practice that she has developed in which she listens to men piss. It's not there at all. I had no urge to go even a little bit. But this insistent nurse just handed me a cup and kept telling me, "Just a little bit". With my head hung low, I slumped off to the bathroom to produce the equivalent of six raindrops of urine. I chose to look at it as a victory, and I will delude myself with that for years to come.
I had my eyes tested and my hearing tested. At this, the nurse covered her mouth with the folder containing all medical information on me, and whispered numbers, which I would then repeat back to her. It was both completely stupid and erotic, all wrapped up into a sushi roll that I call my erection. I did the eye chart too. She had me cover one eye and asked for the smallest line I could read. Then she had me switch eyes and asked me again. I just replied, "the same line." Which was mostly true, though it was a bit blurrier in the left eye lopez. But I could have had a glass eye in that eye, said the same thing, and been sent off to drive recklessly in the city, a one eyed bastard makeshift pirate, ramming into fedex trucks and plundering them of packages, which I would claim for UPS.
Of course there was the hernia test. I'll bet you can't even detect hernias that way. It's just some sick fuck's way of getting his rocks off, and none of the other doctors seem to mind, so they've just kept doing it for decades. For girls who may not know, and likely aren't even reading this, the hernia test is when the doctor asks you to stand in the center of the room and pull down your pants and undergarments. While you stand there dumbfounded, not sure where to put your hands, as they would usually be down your pants, the doctor puts two fingers around where the penis and testicular nutsack meet. Or meat. He instructs you to turn your head, again, just some twisted ritual that no one questions, and asks you to cough. You utter out two weak ass coughs, as it's the best you can produce, and he steps back and tells you to pull your pants back up. It's a bit dehumanizing to say the least.
And it got me thinking. It's always a guy doctor that does it. I get it. There are morals and fears and such that prevents this from changing, but I'm not thrilled with the fact that in the past few undetermined increments of time, this educated Indian doctor is the only one to touch the junk except me. My nurse was cute. She could have done it. Guys would love the hernia test if it meant a girl touching them. Even in something as unsexy as that. Go back and think about the process, only this time, it's from someone with firm and perky breasts. Standing alone in a room with a woman who tells you to drop pants and underoos is much more appealing to me. I just typed that last sentence with my dick, that's how interesting I found the idea.
Let the nurse do it. She's in her twenties, she's seen one before, it's not going to shock her. "Oh, I just figured those would be easier to get to if I got that out of the way for you." If I had known a cute Latino gal was going to caress my sack for even two seconds, I wouldn't have put off the physical until the day before my previous one expired. I'd have been standing outside waiting for them to open at six in the morning, hot cup of coffee keeping me awake, and the nurse's touch keeping me alert.
It's just the right way to handle it. And if it's not, I'll show her the right way.
The DOT exam is your basic physical. I pissed in a cup. And then they asked me for a urine sample. I swear, every time I know I have to give a urine sample, I drink a Hinckley and Schmidt water jug empty, yet am unable to perform sexually when called upon to do so. It's not like I felt this pressure on my bladder but had this fear of the nurse holding a glass to the door, in a strange practice that she has developed in which she listens to men piss. It's not there at all. I had no urge to go even a little bit. But this insistent nurse just handed me a cup and kept telling me, "Just a little bit". With my head hung low, I slumped off to the bathroom to produce the equivalent of six raindrops of urine. I chose to look at it as a victory, and I will delude myself with that for years to come.
I had my eyes tested and my hearing tested. At this, the nurse covered her mouth with the folder containing all medical information on me, and whispered numbers, which I would then repeat back to her. It was both completely stupid and erotic, all wrapped up into a sushi roll that I call my erection. I did the eye chart too. She had me cover one eye and asked for the smallest line I could read. Then she had me switch eyes and asked me again. I just replied, "the same line." Which was mostly true, though it was a bit blurrier in the left eye lopez. But I could have had a glass eye in that eye, said the same thing, and been sent off to drive recklessly in the city, a one eyed bastard makeshift pirate, ramming into fedex trucks and plundering them of packages, which I would claim for UPS.
Of course there was the hernia test. I'll bet you can't even detect hernias that way. It's just some sick fuck's way of getting his rocks off, and none of the other doctors seem to mind, so they've just kept doing it for decades. For girls who may not know, and likely aren't even reading this, the hernia test is when the doctor asks you to stand in the center of the room and pull down your pants and undergarments. While you stand there dumbfounded, not sure where to put your hands, as they would usually be down your pants, the doctor puts two fingers around where the penis and testicular nutsack meet. Or meat. He instructs you to turn your head, again, just some twisted ritual that no one questions, and asks you to cough. You utter out two weak ass coughs, as it's the best you can produce, and he steps back and tells you to pull your pants back up. It's a bit dehumanizing to say the least.
And it got me thinking. It's always a guy doctor that does it. I get it. There are morals and fears and such that prevents this from changing, but I'm not thrilled with the fact that in the past few undetermined increments of time, this educated Indian doctor is the only one to touch the junk except me. My nurse was cute. She could have done it. Guys would love the hernia test if it meant a girl touching them. Even in something as unsexy as that. Go back and think about the process, only this time, it's from someone with firm and perky breasts. Standing alone in a room with a woman who tells you to drop pants and underoos is much more appealing to me. I just typed that last sentence with my dick, that's how interesting I found the idea.
Let the nurse do it. She's in her twenties, she's seen one before, it's not going to shock her. "Oh, I just figured those would be easier to get to if I got that out of the way for you." If I had known a cute Latino gal was going to caress my sack for even two seconds, I wouldn't have put off the physical until the day before my previous one expired. I'd have been standing outside waiting for them to open at six in the morning, hot cup of coffee keeping me awake, and the nurse's touch keeping me alert.
It's just the right way to handle it. And if it's not, I'll show her the right way.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Decrepit floral arrangement at work
This thing is in the photographer's room. I see it every time I leave the building. Subtle reminder.
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