You didn't even try, did you?

I feel very stuck. I'm in a place where, like a lot of other people, I feel as if there is no forward momentum that is driving me. I could bitch, I could whine and complain about this ever present void that I seem to be trapped in, but I won't. I won't because I do that too much in the waking world and I'd rather not bore you with the ongoing details of just how much life can suck sometimes.

Life isn't a bitch, it isn't cruel and it isn't unfair. "But wait," you're asking yourself, "if it's none of that then what is it exactly that you could bitch, whine or complain about?". Simple: You get out of it what you put into it, and to be perfectly honest, I haven't given much of an effort to doing anything that I feel could be up to my full potential. I back down too easily. I give up too quickly. I don't try. In retrospect, I really don't have a soapbox to stand on because I've never taken the time to properly build one in the first place.

I'm not afraid of failure, mind you. I'm fully aware that in life there is always going to be a winner and a loser, a first and a second, a challenge and a defeat. Like I said, I'm not afraid of failure, I'm afraid of trying, which is even worse. I have goals, I have aspirations, but what more are they if not daydreams that cause me to become clouded by disillusionment if I don't wake up from them and apply myself to the greater good? I say this not with a sense of ego, but with a sense of frustration - I'm talented, very talented. I've been told so by more people than I can remember ever since I was my son's age now, which is five. I also feel incredibly alone in that talent. It's difficult for me to express myself to others about what I truly feel without being made to feel as if I'm some lunatic on the outside looking in on a normal thinking society. Not that I'm some great mind of brilliance beyond the capabilities of those around me; rather, I feel alone because I feel underdeveloped and under stimulated. My family and friends have always taken an interest in what I do, but even with that sort of support, it's somehow never been enough for me. My artistic and other worldly views do share a common ground between myself and a few close friends, but beyond that, I feel terribly misunderstood and misguided. It's almost as if I somehow missed the ride to a certain place I should have traveled to in order to be around people like myself and greater resources and as a consequence, I find myself struggling to cope with the reality that I might just have to make the best with what I have around me and call it a night. That's partly why I'm afraid of trying. I look at my environment and say to myself, "what's the point?".

I was married for six years to a woman who never really understood me, and she still doesn't. A lot of that is my own fault I must admit. I didn't understand her either. I don't think either one of us really ever tried to. We got married young and were more in love with the idea of being married and the whole husband and wife routine that we never fully took the time to appreciate each other for who we were as individuals. We're both extremely stubborn people and I let a lot of that rule me in regards to how I acted as a husband. I wanted my own way. I still do, and that's the biggest struggle of all. I might try things now and then, but if I sense that things aren't going the way I want them to I immediately quit and walk away and try to find blame in anything else but me. I realize I might be taking you into a tangent and you might be thinking what this has to do with feeling stuck. Well, let's get to that.

The choices that I've made up until now have summarized who I am today, but they don't define me. People cannot be defined by a sense of what they have or have not done. Their definition comes solely from one thing, the truth. I can do anything I want to in this world. I could learn how to rip an engine apart and fix it if I wanted to. I could learn computer programming and get a good job designing websites. I could walk into a McDonald's and start a career as a fry cook if I decided to. Are those things I want to do? Hell no. Would those things prosper my ambitions in life? They would be a means to make a living, but nothing more. I would take no gratification from them because it's not who I am. I wouldn't be honest to the truth of who I am. I suppose that begs to ask the million dollar question of who is it that Travis Lickey is supposed to be? I have some pretty good ideas, but I'll never know for sure unless I try. We're back to that again. See, it's like a vicious circle of frustration for me. As I've said before, I'm not afraid of finding out that what I want to do with my life might end up coming to a halt because I made some wrong decisions. We all do that. That's how we learn, that's how we grow. But I often ask myself this question, is my fear of not trying really a burden that I have imposed on myself, not because I don't think there's any point to it, but because I'm terrified that what I want to try won't be available to me where I'm at right now? Let's face it, if you want to grow corn you have to first find a field. It's not like you can just grow a crop in any location. It wouldn't work. I'm at a point in my life where I have been afforded the opportunity to start fresh, yet I can already feel myself being enveloped by stagnant air. My eyes are bigger than my mouth and my dreams and goals are bigger than my surroundings. If I'm going to be true to myself I feel like I need to be true to the reality that what I want to do with my life, what I know I was born to do, what I know that I have to do, won't see any manner of success by staying in the sticks.

Therein lies the reality behind the reality. I don't really have any options as far as getting away, or none that I can see clearly in the daylight. Not that I feel that doing so would make me feel as if I was running from a problem, I very much feel it would be me running towards a solution. I have a son, five years old, whom I love to death. I want to be a part of his life and his a part of mine. I also want to show my son that I tried, not for him or anyone else, but that I tried for me. I know he'll love me no matter what I do, but I look back on my childhood and remember a time when I saw my own father miserable in his environment. Granted, the circumstances are drastically different, but some of it is the same. I asked my dad if he is happy with his life and he said that he was, which is all I truly care about. Sure, I'm certain that he wishes he would have done things differently. We all do. I'm at that place right now where I can either choose to continue doing things to just get by and be content, or I can press forward and create a momentum that will drive me and lead me to reveal the truth about who and what I am. My dad has said that he feels he would have been a good writer, but he never tried. I have a lot of fear about moving away and trying, leaving everything behind, even if it would be for a little while. I fear missing moments of my son's life that I would never get back. I also fear that I could be passing up opportunities and killing off dreams and that twenty years from now my son will ask me, "Why didn't you try, dad?" I feel that I would be a good film maker, but I haven't tried. I have a lot of friends and even some family members constantly telling me to follow my dream, to just go, to do it. I also feel a great opposition from my ex-wife who again, doesn't fully understand me and why I want to pursue my own truth. For years she never followed hers and she finally gave herself the chance to get on a stage and sing. It might not be her life's calling, but dammit, she tried, and I'm proud of her for it. I see the lives of those around me and I see them doing the things that they wanted to do with their lives or at least making the efforts to get there. Am I saying that if I moved I would walk into a life that I've only dreamed about over night? Of course not. I realize that one has to work for it to get it. I also realize that once people begin to chase their dream, sometimes that dream changes. I don't feel that holds true for me. We're talking about someone that when I was five years old took a pencil and scribbled 'Travis Lickey Studios' onto my bedroom door. Over the years I turned my bedroom into movie sets and my imagination was the star. Every year I prayed and prayed for a video camera so I could start making movies. I never got it, but that never held me down. The first video camera I had was just a rental and I was off and out the door. I didn't have anyone to star in my movies so I would make up stories and walk up to random people on the street and ask them to do stuff for me. they always did, and I loved it. I couldn't get enough of it. It might have been crap to watch, but at least I was doing it. I was trying.

I know that I have a lot to think about regarding my future and how it will affect me and those close to me. I have to consider all of the possibilities and make responsible choices. I also have to close my eyes and stand accountable to myself and answer the dreamer inside of me that's asking, "Did you try, Travis?"

Did I?