My son loves to wrestle. That is to say, my son loves to kick his daddy's butt. My son is two weeks shy of turning five. He disciplines himself with a strict training regimen of an early morning workout by waking me up at 8:00 AM and proceeding to spend the next hour engaged in delivering merciless beatings to my body. Whether it's with a diving body slam to the stomach from the arm of the couch, or a full on drop kick initiated from across the room by running at locomotive speed to my still disoriented and waking consciousness, he will execute his deadly moves until I succumb to his will. He is the predator and I am the fair game.
Recently, however, I've discovered that there is nothing fair about any of this. In fact, I've been getting duped the whole time. He cheats. Oh yeah, he cheats and he has it down to a fine art. If he has me in a head lock and I turn the tide by reversing the move and implementing a choke hold (yeah that's right, a choke hold. I gotta teach that boy how to take it like a man!) he will summon forth an ancient ritual that has been passed down through many generations, the Time Out. The Time Out is regarded by many to be the quintessential action to be taken when one starts to fear the worst or just simply needs a breather. Not so with the five year old. They're stocked with energy from an unlimited and unknown source. They don't ever have the need or desire to take a break. No, the Time Out is used by the five year old as a reset device; a means to take back the advantage, and when it's spoken, look out, because all hell is gonna break loose and you should not hope to ever recover.
Here with me now is my son, Truett. I am going to ask him to describe some of the moves and techniques he uses against me, his disadvantaged and helpless father.
Me: Hey Truett. So tell me, why do you enjoy beating me up?
Truett: Because, I really like my energy. It has a power. It gives me strong bones so I can beat you up.
Me: What is your favorite move when beating me up?
Truett: Karate.
Me: Have you seen The Karate Kid?
Truett? No.
Me: Where did you learn Karate?
Truett: From my dad.
Me: So basically what you're saying is, I have sealed my own fate by giving you the means to murder me?
Truett: Yes.
Me: Why would you want to do that? That's sick.
Truett: Cause I like it. It's so fun.
Me: Fair enough. So, describe your best move and how it works.
Truett: A disappeared electric shield so I don't get dead. The shield shoots power from it. Bombs.
Me: Bombs?! Truett, do you have Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Truett: Yes.
Me: Where are they at?
Truett: Right in my bones.
Me: I'm terrified right now.
Truett: I'm terrified too.
Me: Why?
Truett: Because when I beat you up... Daddy, I just love you. (gives me a kiss)
Me: I love you too.
Truett: Daddy? I have to poop, ok? I'll let you know if I need help wiping my butt.
Who has the upper hand now?
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