1:00 AM, June 29, 2009The atmosphere around Hollywood has quickly turned to a state of panic this week and it isn't because of some massive alien invasion or a zombie attack. Tinseltown's most famous residents are fearing that they might be the next to have their spotlight fade.
Last week the world saw the unfortunate deaths of some truly great people. Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and most recently as of Sunday morning, television infomercial pitchman, Billy Mays, all of whom passed away within just days of each other. "They're dying faster than a Minnesota gang bang on a cold Tuesday morning.", said former CBS reporter, Dan Rather. Rather declined any further comment as he was headed directly into Cedar Sinai hospital for an unscheduled checkup, one of many such unannounced visits by stars to the famous hospital. "They're all scared, and I can't say I blame them.", said Doctor Abgani Moussefed. "It took me two and half hours just to convince Conan O'Brien that he wasn't getting any paler."
Churches also saw a dramatic increase in attendance Sunday morning with more than one half of the congregation at West Hollywood Baptist consisting primarily of those in the entertainment business. "We feel truly blessed by the increase in our morning services. When we saw Larry Flynt sitting in the front row holding an open hymnal up on it's end, we knew something was a stir in the community.", commented Senior Pastor Chris Levine.
Family, friends and fans aren't the only ones feeling the affects of the recent tragedies either. Many insiders speculate that the rate at which celebrities are dying, some individuals who make their living off of them might soon be finding themselves out of high paying work if they don't act quickly. "I just lost this month's rent when Jacko died.", said James Heeley, a Hollywood paparazzo. "I got there after it was too late. Not this time, I got kid's mouths to feed and I swear to god...I've been camped out here in front of (Patrick) Swayze's house all damn day waiting for my money shot and he's in there in bed. It's selfish. He should get up, move around, go attempt to get the mail or something. I'm patient, but I ain't got all day."
Major networks are also feeling the pressure by trying to maintain a fair balance between reporting the news stories of the world verses Hollywood. To help resolve this, CNN announced plans to spawn yet another sister channel that will broadcast twenty-four hour coverage of the recent developments and breaking news regarding dead celebrities. A new show, Stopwatch, will feature a yet to be announced doctor to the stars who will discuss the medical conditions of famous people and take calls from viewers who wish to give their input on who they think will be next.
-Travis Lickey
No comments:
Post a Comment